Today I’m going to write about the nothing in my head. I am scared that all the ideas are gone. I am scared that no one will want my book. I am scared that I can’t make it as a therapist. I am scared that my daughter will choose the “wrong” college. I am scared that I am scared. I am lonely because I am scared. And so because I am living in a cesspool of anxiety, there is nothing in my head.
I sit down to write and the world is blank. All the fun ideas that came to me in the shower have run away to wherever it is that ideas go and hide. I want to be great...or even good. I want to do all the things. I want to put my voice out there...and then there is the fear.
What if I could do this differently. What if I didn’t have the anxiety? Some days I think it is my friend because it gets me going in the morning. But when something really big and really important comes along, it throws itself on the tracks and the train stays stuck in the station...with me in the passenger compartment. Bored, lonely, waiting. Why? Why does anxiety feel the need to do that? And how can we overcome it?
And maybe this is my next story. The way fear throws itself on the tracks. The way it follows you around and tries to keep you safe…but why do you need to be saved from all the things that matter.
You might get disappointed. Disappointment is scary.
You might be successful and things would change. Change is scary.
You might fail. Failure is scary.
You might get what you want and find out you don’t want it. That’s scary.
You don’t know what will happen. Not knowing is scary.
And feeling scared is scary. Which makes no sense but is true nevertheless.